It's Morning and I'm still Weeping...

Psalms 30:5

"Weeping may stay for the night, but JOY comes in the morning."


Today I sat in my church with hundreds of other people mourning the loss of an amazing young lady. Just days away from her 14th birthday, sweet C ultimately beat cancer. I listened to eloquent words about her life, watched beautiful images of her across a screen and marveled at the courageous spirit of this little girl. My heart broke seeing my dear friends shrink under the unbearable weight of grief knowing full well either one of them would gladly take her place. It isn't fair. It's a question of why that will never be answered this side of Heaven. There are no words. My son even said that he had never seen anyone in so much pain. The pain of parents having to say goodbye to their baby girl.


Unfortunately, I know this pain all too well. When we lost our twins, Ava and Emma, I was overwhelmed with the big decisions I had to make in just a short amount of time. I remember the man at the funeral asking me about a coffin and in my mind I was screaming, "THIS IS NOT RIGHT! I SHOULD NOT BE BURYING MY BABIES!" I didn't even let anyone come to their funeral. That today is one of my biggest regrets, but in the moment, I couldn't handle my own grief, much less anyone else's. The scripture in Psalms says that weeping may last for the night but JOY comes in the morning, but what happens when you wake up and the pain of what you lost is still there? What happens when a week, a month or even a year pass by and the joy still hasn't returned?

The Bible tells us that God's ways are not like our ways. His thoughts and even His timing may not be what we consider it to be. So when God tells us that joy comes in the morning, maybe His morning isn't the very next day. Maybe His daylight is when He brings us out of the darkness we are in. The Bible doesn't tell us when morning is but it does tell us that when the morning comes, JOY comes with it.


What can we do when joy doesn't come? It is so important to stay focused on Jesus. When our babies died, I found it hard to trust Him with our other kids. The enemy put thoughts in my head like "Why would He protect your other kids when he wouldn't protect your babies?" It was hard and dark. As hard as it is to keep the faith and pray, do it. Pray like you've never prayed. Sometimes just putting on some worship music and sitting in His presence to listen for His voice is what you need.
Also make sure to not push people away. I wanted to dive into a deep dark hole. I didn't want anyone telling me how sorry they were or that they were in in a better place. I wanted them and I wanted them here with me. People mean well and typically just don't know what to say. They honestly just want you to be ok.

I can't remember the exact moment that the morning came, but it did. I eventually laughed again. I trusted again and even though there is still a huge part of my family missing, I have a hope and trust in Jesus that the day when I meet Him face to face, He is going to have two sweet little girls with Him that have been waiting on us to get there.

This world is full of hurts. It is a fallen world and there is no way around it until Jesus comes. I realized one day that God hasn't given me something that He hasn't gone through Himself. He lost His baby too. I'm praying tonight that if you are still waiting for your morning to come, that it comes quickly. I'm praying that you find what you have been missing so much in everything around you, the wind in the trees, the blooming of flowers, and even the birds singing their songs. I pray that His presence envelopes every part of your being because even in the hurts, God is faithful.

Spring Break 2019

Spring Break 2019 did not disappoint! We set out on Friday after school and spent the night in Little Rock at mom and Marty's. Early Saturday we hit the road to Panama City Beach. I was a little concerned about my sweet Haitian Sensation, Sam because he cannot stand being in the car for very long. Thankfully, he was a trooper! PCB did not disappoint! The weather could have been a little warmer but this was the first time London and Sam have been to the beach with all of us. We had taken them in Haiti when they were little but they don't really remember it and they were terrified! They loved playing in the sand and braving the cool water of the ocean but they all especially enjoyed the heated pool and hot tub!

 After a couple of days in PCB, we were off to Orlando! We got a great deal on an Airbnb at Paradise Palms Resort in Orlando. I would definitely stay there again! It was a 5 bedroom with a private pool and the resort had tons of amenities! We had a blast! Tuesday was Disney Day. I was probably more excited than the kids! We had taken the older kids but it was a first for the littles. Mayah is still young enough that seeing her eyes light up with the characters made the entire trip worth it!  We spent the entire day riding rides, watching the parades and just enjoying our time together. There is something about Disney World that just makes you happy! It was so great to have Kelcie and Blake fly down from Omaha and spend the week with us in Orlando as well. All the chicks were in the nest and my momma heart was so full!

We spent Wednesday hanging out at the resort swimming and seeing our longtime friends Kim and Laurie! We took Kelcie and Blake to the airport Thursday morning :( and on the way back home stopped and spent the day in St. Augustine. This was my first time there and lets just say my history loving self fell in love! Like ready to pack up and move there love it! It was a quaint historical town with the beach! Two of my favorite things!

Family vacations are so important. The memories that we made on this trip will last a lifetime. Make saving for them a priority! My family grew up taking vacations and I want to pass my love of travel on to my kids! Maybe one day I'll win the lottery so I can travel all of the time. I guess I better buy a ticket :)

Summer Recap!

It is so hard to believe that summer is over! I started back to work last Monday and the kids went back on Thursday. We are so blessed to have great teachers for our kids. Greyson is a junior and started half a day at the community college, then back to the high school for 2 classes and ends his day with soccer. He's playing on the High School soccer team and started with a new competitive team this fall. He's driving everywhere and super busy. One of my favorite qualities of Greyson is how driven he is. I can't wait to see what God has for him but in the meantime I will savor every moment with him! Conner is now at the high school! He is a freshman and will be showing sheep again for FFA. He has quite the social life these days and I mostly feel like his uber driver!  London and Carrson are big third graders and excited to be out of the "little kids" hall at school. Carrson is playing soccer again and London will start gymnastics soon. They are growing so much and I love how close they have all become. There are still days when everyone is at each others throats but overall they play really well together. Sam and Mayah are in first grade. It's never a dull moment with my little "twins". Mayah is starting hip hop dance class and I love to see her practice with youtube videos! We are trying to decide the best sport for Sam. He is pretty indecisive about it and if we would tell him that playing on electronics was a sport, he would love it!

Kelcie started her big adventure at college. We all went to Nebraska Christian to get her settled in. She had to start a little earlier to start training with the soccer team. Probably one of the hardest things ever to leave her there but to see how happy she is makes up for all the momma tears. I absolutely love seeing her fall inlove with soccer again and venture out to find her place. I read somewhere that you know you did a good job with your kids if they are ready to leave and this little girl was ready to spread her wings. We get to watch her season opener next weekend and we can't wait to cheer her on.

Before Kelcie left for college, we took her on a cruise to Mexico. We had an absolute blast and are so thankful for grandparents that stepped up to help with the others so we could spend this special time with her. This was our fifth cruise and our second out of Mobile, Alabama. Its one of our favorite ports! We left out early from Little Rock and our first stop (extremely spontaneous) was in Tupelo, Mississippi where we found the childhood home of Elvis! We loved seeing the old church and sitting inside the chapel where hymns sung by Elvis played over the speakers. It was a super cool place!

We made it to Mobile later that evening and stayed at the most awesome Inn. If you ever go to Mobile, I HIGHLY recommend the Magala Inn. It was built in the 1800's by a set of brothers as a townhome for their wives. It's also supposed to be "haunted" but after some snooping around, we never saw anything. We spent the evening walking around looking at some of the beautiful sights of Mobile. It reminded me of a mix between New Orleans and Charleston. I love the deep south so much. Who knows, maybe one day we will end up back there.

The next morning, we had a great breakfast (including grits!!!) and then headed to the port. We love cruising with Carnival and the Mobile terminal really has a great process to get you checked in quickly and efficiently. In less than an hour we were boarding the Carnival Fantasy. This was our second time aboard this ship. The atmosphere is so fun and the cruise directors are always a blast. This year, our cruise director was Benny. He did not disappoint! It didn't take Kelcie long to meet new people and enjoy her time on the ship. She joined us for dinner (most nights) and sometimes if we were lucky for lunch. I love how confident she is and that she can make friends anywhere. We enjoyed naps on deck, shows, dancing,  great food and just spending time together.

 On our day in Mexico, we decided to take an excursion. We have been to Cozumel quite a few times so it was fun to try something different. On this excursion, we took a catamaran out to a private island called Passion Island. It is owned by Carnival so it is not crowded and the only people there are from cruise ships. It is absolutely beautiful. It had an authentic Mexican buffet, a few little huts selling merchandise, snorkeling, kayaking (which Kelcie and I got kicked off of. Apparently we went to far and ignored the whistle! LOL!) hammocks and beds on the beach and hammocks in the water. It was so relaxing and beautiful!

All good things must come to an end and we had to disembark our cruise! But Kelly had a little surprise for us on the way home. We stopped at Dauphin Island, Alabama. We just had lunch and spent a few hours there but I loved it and we are planning a vacation back there next summer with the whole circus.  We walked around Fort Gaines which is known for its role during the Battle of Mobile during the Civil War. It was a really neat place and a nice surprise for the drive home.  I will never forget this vacation with Kelcie and I hope she never does either. I'm telling you, 18 years flies by and she's the first chick to leave the nest. It made me realize how important it is to take trips with your kids. We have been able to do quite a few trips with our kids and I hope to do more. Material things never last but memories of time together last forever. So take the trip!! You will be so happy when you look back at the pictures!!

Until next time!!
xoxo

Where did the time go?

This beautiful sweet girl graduated High School! It still hasn't hit me that my first little chick is going to be leaving the nest. To say that I am so proud of her is an understatement. There aren't even enough words to describe how amazing she is. She has handled changing schools 3 times, being the oldest sibling, adjusting to bringing in two new kiddos , falling in love for the first time and surviving her first broken heart. She is a champion for the underdog. We had a graduation party a couple of weeks ago and we counted 92 people that came in throughout the afternoon. I looked around and it was such a vast variety of people.  From jocks to foreign exchange students, Kelcie has made her mark already. She has a heart for people and has big dreams to help people  start businesses in other countries and maybe even get a degree in psychology so that she can help missionaries and their kids transition from living between two different cultures. I am in complete awe of her.

I hope that as her mom I have taught her enough and been a good example. I look forward to this new step in her life and how our relationship will grow. Kelcie Marie you will always be my baby girl. Where ever life takes you know that your dad and I are your biggest fans and supporters. Your brothers and sisters adore you.  God has an amazing plan for you and we are so thankful that He chose us to be your parents. Now go change the world baby girl! xoxoxo

A mama's heart...

Tonight while daddy was at soccer practice with Greyson, I was home with the littles and we had done homework, gone for a swim, had dinner and were just picking up a few things around the house. London had gotten out some pictures of some of our trips to Haiti out and they were on a table in my bedroom. Sam was looking through them and found a picture of him and London with their Haiti mommy. He brought the picture to me and said "Was I in her tummy?' I told him yes and he said "Was London in her tummy too?" I told him yes to that as well and he just sat and looked at the picture. I watched him study the picture for a few minutes and then he got  up and ran off to play. That moment struck me tonight. I have the honor of raising that woman's son and daughter. She has never met me and I have never met her. We speak two different languages. We have very different lives but yet we share a love for two children. She carried them for 9 months and raised them for just a few years and I get to see them grow up. I get to watch London do her cheerleading and Sam as he takes apart every remote control we have just to put it right back together. Tonight as I stared at her picture I thought about her. Does she think about them every single day? Does she wonder about the people they are becoming? Does she think about me and what kind of mother I am to them? I can't even begin to understand what it was like for her to make the ultimate sacrifice for them. She loved them so much that she wanted a better life for them. I'm so thankful that God has woven our hearts together over these two kids.
They have her eyes and my last name. There is both joy and sadness in that. So tonight, I think about and pray for "B",  my children's first mother. I pray that God touches her heart and protects her. I pray that she knows that I love them enough for both of us.

Remembering my Papa

Today marks one year that my  sweet papa left this world and entered his eternal home in Heaven. He saw a lot in his 91 years. He loved with every fiber of his being. He was always the first to help someone, was a die hard FDR Democrat ,a patriot, a friend and quite possibly the most wonderful human being you could ever know. 

One of the coolest things about having your grandparents into your own adulthood is that you really get to know who they are and appreciate the relationship. Papa used to come and stay with us and our days centered around what and where we were going to eat. He enjoyed a good card game of Rummy, a fishing trip and always cake and cookies. He lived 20 years without his soulmate, my nanny but I bet the year he's been able to be reunited with her has only seemed like a moment. Sometimes I try to envision what Heaven must be like for him. The perfect love, peace and healing that he feels. Although I still miss him as much today I'm so happy that he made the decision when I was a baby to follow Christ which ensures that I will be with him again. 

I will strive everyday to make sure to be someone that he would be proud of. I'd give anything for one more hug or phone call. I pray I made him proud while he was here. I pray I can love like he loved. 

I love you papa. I hope the crappie are biting. 

When one journey ends a new one begins....

For years, I have dreamed about the moment I could write this blog. The one where I get to tell you that all 7 of my children are under one roof! London and Sam became US citizens on November 8. We have been home for 6 weeks and it still amazes me that they are here. It is a MIRACLE that they are here. So many of you have prayed and supported us for the last 4 years and 7 months and we are forever grateful to you.

So many firsts have occurred in the last 6 weeks. The first airplane ride, first bedroom, first roller coaster (they were not thrilled, but this week when we went again they LOVED it!) So many new experiences. Going to the grocery store, snow, (even though it wasn't much), first time performing in a Christmas play and they have done so well. Every day has had its own set of challenges. We take each day moment by moment. There have been days that I have wondered "what in the world have we done?" and days that I have said "How did we ever live without them?"

London and Sam have been our daughter and son since they were 3 and 18 months old. Every step of the adoption process was horrendous, but God was faithful every single step of the way. If we ever thought of giving up, He always gave us HOPE. He guided us and those moments that we couldn't take any more He would always show up. I don't know why it had to take so long or why we had to spend so much money but what I do know is that His promise was fulfilled. The dream that He gave me in my heart 13 years ago was birthed into fruition right before my eyes and I'm so thankful we didn't give up. Every day London and Sam learn to trust us a little more and learn how to be a part of a family. Not every day is rosy.

There are way too many people for us to mention that have helped us in this journey but it would be wrong of me not to mention Frentz and Mallery Neptune and Haiti Foundation Against Poverty.
www.haitipoverty.org
They took our kids in for what was supposed to be 3 months and ended up being over 2 years. They nurtured them, loved them and helped them heal. They provided a home for them, taught them English and told them about Jesus. Mallery and Frentz are a part of our family now. We love them and their heart for Haiti.

This journey hasn't really ended but in fact has just begun. We now walk through uncharted waters and figure out how to be the best parents that we can and help these kids become all that God has for them. We don't have the answers but are so thankful that our Savior does. 2016 really was the year of the Haitian baby!!!